Today marks Nathan's 3rd week of daycare. I guess he likes it well enough. Here is my thing. I feel like it is my job to raise him. I should be with him, not sending him off to be with someone else all day. I feel like it is our job as parents to make the sacrifices we need to in order to be the one to raise our kids. I feel like by forcing myself to find something else to do (ie paying job) that I am somehow neglecting my primary responsibility. It feels so forced. I have no desire to be this big career woman. I want to be home with my son.
Here is the kicker though, I want to be able to do things and go places with my son and husband. Things and places take money. So does retirement but that is a whole other issue. So now, I am trying to find the best of both worlds. Something that can let me exercise my brain, earn a little money while letting me have time to be with Nathan for more than an hour at bedtime. Like today, I am going to pick him up from daycare and head to the zoo with some friends and their sons. This is what childhood should be about.
I know, I know not every family can make it work to have one parent stay home. I get that. Again, I am not judging anyone. Hell, I am the one looking for a job so I am in no place to judge. It is just that to me, the ideal would be to be at home with him. (can I mention that I HATE having to justify myself and preemptively apologize in my own blog.....) it took 2 weeks for him to bring home the first day care funk. I feel so guilty for sending him to a place I know will get him sick eventually. I know a runny nose wont hurt him but it makes me especially thankful to have prevented it for a year.
other things on my mind.
~After his first week at daycare, I co-hosted a bridal shower for Pam. I left early Saturday morning while Nathan was still asleep. I had nursed him maybe an hour and a half before. Well, apparently he woke up as soon as I left and did not quit screaming for several hours. He, like all toddlers, likes his routine and we messed with it big time. He was asleep when I got home and fought nursing when he woke up a few hours later. fast forward several days and he was still refusing to nurse. To say I was crushed is an understatement. I was not prepared for him to just up and quit. I know, I made it to my goal of 1 yr. Actually, it was one year to the day that he started to latch. I cried and cried. I knew he was teething so I thought it might be that so I kept pumping. Then someone suggested he could just be mad at me for leaving most of the weekend. That motivated me to keep pumping in case it was just a nursing strike. I had a talk with him one night and told him I was sorry he was sad or hurting from his teeth but that I love him and will accept his choice to be done if that is what he wants. The next morning, he signed milk so I tried giving him pumped milk in a sippy but he did not want it. I tried water, no good. So, I tried to nurse and he latched. I actually cried on his little head.
The pleasure of nursing is not something I can explain. To look down at him and see that smile and milk dribbling out of his mouth gives me the biggest smile. There is nothing sexual about it and it really is something I think more mothers should do. Outside of medical/psychological reasons not to, it is the right thing to do. Your body was made for it! Not to say that bottle fed babies are not bonded to their parents, far from it actually, but the bond I have with him after breast feeding him for so long is just more than I can describe. I have no plans on when I will wean him. Right now, i am hoping for 18 months or so. if he drops feedings before then, ok. a little longer, that is ok too. I truly had no idea how much I enjoyed our time together until it was gone. so each time he nurses now, which is only 3x a day, I enjoy the moment as if it were the last time. I think that is why it was so hard when I thought he was done. I took each feeding for granted and never made peace with the possibility of him being through.
~Nathan can now sign the following: eat, more, drink, milk, daddy, please, up, waves bye/hello, and is blowing kisses. He tends to use "more" for food/eat but really, as long as we know what he means, we are ok with it.
He is pushing cars around the house and loves the rubbermaid drawer. empties it out every single day. He loves bubbles and playing outside. He loves loves loves his ride on car. He knows how to push the button to make it go and beams with pride. He has discovered the playground and wants to go for a walk every day to play on the slides. He still loves going head first over the couch or bed. He has 5 teeth and a couple more on the way. Books are a daily joy. Brown Bear, Polar Bear and 10 Little Rubber Ducks will never get old. He especially loves story time with daddy before bed. Daddy's favorite is Oh The Places You'll Go.
He is the light of our lives and we are so thankful to have been given such a gift.
