This too is real

I started bleeding more today so I know its really happening. I went at 7 to get my blood drawn. No real point but to make sure things all come out I guess.

I spent the day with my nesties in St Augustine. They all know of course. I love them for not talking about it though. They are an amazing group of women and I know I wouldn't love Jax as much without them. Beth was there and it was great to see her. She M/C at 11 weeks and is still recovering from her D&C. I am hopeful I wont need one b/c Im so early.

Today I realized I dont know what to call this. I feel badly calling it a m/c b/c it puts it on level field with what Beth went through. I never saw a heartbeat so its not the same. But, I dont like calling it a chemical pregnancy as that offers no validation that it was real. Mom calls it a spontaneous abortion which makes my skin crawl. I guess I just say that we lost the pregnancy and leave it at that.

I sent out my retraction emails and made a few calls today. Next time I will not tell as many people. I wont wait til 12 weeks or anything, but I will wait a little longer.

Im going to crawl in bed and sleep for a while. The cramps are pretty intense. I will say though, if we werent trying and I didnt test, I would just think I was late and really heavy. I suppose people miss these all the time.

Worst morning...

We lost the pregnancy today. I was 5 weeks. I woke up with some spotting and took another $ Tree test and it was negative. I started crying and told Jeremy. He was just as upset.
I went to work b/c I didnt know what else to do. At 9 when the Drs office opened, I called to see if there was anything I could do. I was bawling in the parking lot on my phone when the HR lady came out. I had to tell her and she sent me home. Awful. I cant even explain it. I called mom and told her. She then told me about hers right before she got PG with me. I know its common but it doesnt make it any easier.

I got a call back from the Dr with orders for a blood test. I have to go tomorrow and Monday mornings. Awful. I spent the day with Michelle and Courtney. I am so glad to have them here. She is just wonderful. T was amazing and offered to come up but there is no sense in that.

Is this happening b/c I told people? B/c I tried on maternity clothes yesterday or bought all my books? Is this my punishment for making bad decisions in the past? I could cry right now just thinking about it and I will admit that Im writing this over a month later. Why us? We are healthy and I think we will make good parents. Does God disagree?

Its real!

This morning I got up and PIAC so I could take the 2 additional tests. Here is the result:

I know I said I wouldn't tell the world so early but I am so excited!!!! I told my nesties of course, my cousin Alyssa, Pam, T-rob, Sarah.. Its been amazing to hear their reactions and know how supported we are. I think Pam may have cried. It was so hard to not say anything at work. They just cannot know yet. I dont trust them.

Then I get home to these:
Looks like he is super excited too! I have called the Dr and my first appt is on the 17th of October. I also set up a meeting with the midwife at Fruitful Vine. I am so excited to learn about their services and birth center.

Holy Crap!

Today I started a new job. Not so excited but its a paycheck. But all day I kept thinking that I was a day late for my period. I tested on Friday but it was a BFN =( Was hoping to tell the family in ATL. Anyway, I got home before Jeremy and decided to take a $ Tree test. It was slow to develop and I called Kristin to share in my sadness. Well, while on the phone with her, a second line/shadow popped up. Apparently I kept saying Holy Crap over and over LOL.



Jeremy came home and I met him in the garage saying, "hey honey, look at this for me." He didnt know if 2 lines were good or bad but saw it for sure. We are PREGNANT!!!!! Just to be sure though, I went to CVS and bought a couple more, including a digital. I will wait to take those with FMU tomorrow.

I am so excited!! Im going to be a mommy =)